Just Friends?
Reimagine everything you think you know about friendship
“Wanna know who your real friends are?” Get married, have a baby, face hard times, or insert blank. I’ve heard sentiments like these for years, and after coming across an Instagram reel reiterating the like, I decided to reflect on my own experiences and realizations about friendship…
For me, it all started with Disney Channel. Well to be honest, it probably started long before then, but the television shows and movies I watched as a kid determined that having a BFF wasn’t optional, it was mandatory. This concept became the prototype of what I expected all friendships to look like.
If your experience was anything like mine, you grew up with the impression that a ‘BFF’ was the championship title and you were Muhammad Ali. If you were fortunate, you snatched up your bestie early, even locking in a lifelong friendship. If not, you found yourself transitioning from childhood to adulthood with a BOLO out for a BFF.
And on the lookout I went with my binoculars in hand. I did everything I reasonably could, from praying to showing myself friendly, except change the core of who I was; after all, I wasn’t that desperate. 👀 But anytime I stumbled upon a potential bestie, the Heavens would open and I’d think to myself “could this be the one?”
Somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that being just a friend wasn’t good enough. I needed the world to know that someone chose to distinguish me with a gold star; to prove that I was the friend of all friends, the crème de la crème, numero uno. Until it finally dawned on me that I was searching for something I didn’t need to find…
So what was I looking for? I wasn’t looking for a friend, I had those. I wasn’t looking for someone to hang out with or talk to everyday, an occasional meet up filled my cup just fine. What I really needed was perspective, and I found it once I decided to forfeit my claim on a BFF championship title. Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t against having a best friend, but did I really need a bestie badge to validate me?
Once I acknowledged that I was defining my friendships by a label, or lack thereof, I knew it was time to let go of the misconceptions and redefine what friendship would look like for me.
Letting go of the labels…
After shedding the extra weight, I realized that true friendships aren’t measured by numbers or labels. I no longer defined myself by the number of friends I had, how long I had been friends with someone, or whether or not I would make it to the Top 8 on their MySpace page. For years, I thought I was searching for a BFF, when in reality, I was seeking a sense of belonging. Once I grasped that I wasn’t going to find my identity or value in a label, I knew I needed to look elsewhere.
Getting comfortable with change…
I used to believe that the best friendships were like bull rides: the longer you held on, the stronger the friendship and the better the bragging rights. While this might be true for some, I’ve come to realize that seasonal friendships can be just as impactful. Instead of clinging to a relationship for as long as I could, I learned to appreciate each person for what they brought to my life for however long they were meant to be there. Even though I might have felt offended when someone decided to move on, I chose not to be offended; instead, remaining grateful for the role they served while remaining open to the new relationships to come.
Going organic…
Without the burden of comparison and expectations, I met new people and let our relationships evolve naturally. I didn’t need a formula to measure the value of my friendships based on how frequently we spoke or saw each other. I was blessed and fortunate to have a community I could rely on, on my terms.
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:13 ESV
Friendships are not one-size-fits-all; each one is unique and special in its own way. While every friendship may look different, they should share similar characteristics. So if you want to know who your real friends are, look for someone with integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, and other qualities that you can feel confident in calling them a friend. In the past, I thought being just a friend wasn’t good enough. Now, I focus on being the best friend I can be, whether it's my official title or not.